I was confused and frustrated. Carla had not seemed to be under any coercion getting into the van, in fact she had been laughing, and I felt sure she had actually seen me but had pretended not to. I sat on the stone steps that led up to the front door, thinking perhaps Jeremy had meant it when he said, be back soon.’ An hour passed and it was approaching midnight. People were beginning to drift away from the exhibition, many of them drunk. I went inside and started to make inquiries about Jeremy. I wanted to know who he was and where he might have gone with Carla. Most seemed to know him, but only raised their eyebrows and said inane things like, ‘Hmm, darling, Carla must be having as good time.’ As I went around asking my questions I came upon one couple copulating in a passage standing up, the woman against the wall. I opened a door to find two couples having sex on the floor. There seemed to be no one who was willing or able to help. I went back to the steps and sat waiting, not. " I do like him, or at least the part of me that's important likes him.He's a good man and he has a good job, and his kids are great..." But what?" Mom asked.I shook my head and trimmed the ash from my cigarette. "I don't know,Mom. Its not something I can easily put into words." Or maybe you can, but you don't want to, because you're having someregrets."I got up from the bed and stopped in front of the mirror. It wasn't thatI didn't recognize the woman staring back at me. I looked just like theold Nancy with make-up with plus sized boobs and a shorter hair cut. Butit was what I didn't see that bothered me.It used to be that if I looked hard enough, I could see a boy in a dress,but now he was nowhere to be found. My family had had a funeral for himand according to my mother, everyone I had ever known as a boy had cometo see me off.Pain rose up into my throat and tears ran down my cheek as theconsequences of my actions worked to suffocate me. "Oh Geeze, Mom! Whathave I done?"I.
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